Understanding Guilt and Shame: A Counselor’s Perspective

By Sandra I. Beekmann, MS, NCC, LCMHC

As a mental health counselor, I often sit with clients who carry heavy feelings of guilt and shame. These emotions can feel overwhelming, and while they are both natural human experiences, they affect us in very different ways. Learning to understand and separate them is an important step toward healing and self-compassion.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Guilt is the feeling we get when we believe we have done something wrong or failed to live up to our values. It’s focused on behavior: “I made a mistake.” Guilt, when processed in a healthy way, can be useful. It helps us reflect, repair, and make different choices in the future.

Shame, on the other hand, cuts deeper. It’s not about what we did—it’s about who we are. Shame says: “I am the mistake.” When people internalize shame, it can lead to feelings of unworthiness, isolation, and self-blame. Unlike guilt, shame rarely motivates positive change. Instead, it often keeps us stuck in cycles of self-criticism.

How Guilt and Shame Show Up

Many of us learn from a young age to equate mistakes with being “bad.” Over time, this can create patterns of self-judgment that impact our relationships, career, and even our physical health. Some common ways guilt and shame may appear include:

• Over-apologizing or feeling responsible for things outside of your control.

• Avoiding situations where you fear judgment.

• Negative self-talk or a harsh inner critic.

• Struggling to set boundaries because of fear of disappointing others.

Moving Toward Healing

The good news is that guilt and shame don’t have to define you. With support, reflection, and practice, you can begin to shift the way you relate to these emotions. Some helpful steps include:

• Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a loved one.

• Separating Self from Behavior: Remind yourself, “I made a mistake, but I am not a mistake.”

• Talking About It: Shame thrives in secrecy. Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can help release its power.

• Reframing Guilt: If guilt is pointing you toward change, use it as an opportunity for growth rather than punishment.

A Final Word

Both guilt and shame are part of the human experience, but they don’t have to control your life. If you find yourself weighed down by these emotions, know that you are not alone—and that healing is possible. Counseling can provide a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore these feelings and learn new ways to approach them with compassion. Contact us today 813.335.97.94 or office@smctampa.com