Complaints or is it criticism???

When living with your partner, you will most likely share many things such as your bed, your finances, household chores, raising children, having pets, common friends, etc., how could you not have some complaints about your partner once in a while even though you love them. It reminds me of a movie I once watched and the quote seems to be very fitting here “Only because I love you doesn’t mean that I have to like you right now”. I’m also pretty sure that some of you can relate :)

What is important though is to remember that there is a big difference between complaints and criticism. Complaints are focusing on a specific behavior or event whereas criticism is expressing negative feelings or opinions about the other person. Such as, if the dishwasher has not been emptied out when you get home from a long day at work and you think to yourself ‘Geez, why couldn’t he or she just put the dishes away’ and might say these exact words. Most often, we like to add ‘evidentiary support’ such as ‘Well, you never help keep the kitchen clean’ just to strengthen our claim. However, my dear friends, this is considered criticism because it expresses a negative judgment of your partner.

A complaint now would be fine and could be expressed as “Oh I was hoping you get to the dishwasher before I got home” which is a nicer way of saying it and asking for help as constructive criticism is meant to be. Starting a conversation when you get home by using a soft start-up and to complain without blame is a healthy and much more productive way to engage in conflict. I highly recommend reading the book ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ by Dr. John Gottman. He is one of the leading relationships experts of our time – hands down!!

Simple Mindfulness Exercise

Three Senses

Another mindfulness exercise is simply to notice what you are experiencing right now through three senses – sound, sight, touch. Take a few slow breaths and ask yourself:

• What are three things I can hear? (clock on the wall, traffic going by, music in the next room, people talking)

• What are three things I can see? (this computer, this chair, that sign, that person walking by)

• What are three things I can feel? (the chair under me, the floor under my feet, my keys in my pocket)

Think of these answers to yourself slowly, one sense at a time. It’s impossible to do this exercise and not be present and mindful!

Start celebrating your anniversaries, Folks!!

Anniversaries are significant milestones that couples need to honor and celebrate. When referring to anniversaries, my clients often assume that I only talk about their wedding anniversary or when they started dating. However, anniversaries can be any special day which has meaning to you as a couple such as when you first met, when you first started dating, when he or she proposed, or when you moved in with one another, well, you get the idea. In fact, research has shown that celebrating important anniversaries can help strengthen your relationship big time. And so just that you know, celebrating many anniversaries does not have to come with a big price tag and doesn’t need to be stressful at all. In fact, honoring and showing appreciation can be as simple as preparing a candle light dinner with his or her favorite meal, or instead of watching your nightly TV and being sucked into Facebook, pull out old pictures to reminisce about, go out for dessert or your favorite coffee shop, or simply go for a nice walk. Especially here in the Tampa Bay area there are many excellent places to stroll during the day or at night such as the Riverwalk in downtown Tampa, or many other places closer to the beach.

Mostly important though is to understand why celebrating and honoring anniversaries is so essential and I even like to say ‘necessary’. One of the most famous couples’ therapist of all time Dr. John Gottman believes that our memories of the past can and will change over time which can be a good thing but it also can be a bad thing. He, and I fully and totally agree, believes that we literally brainwash ourselves to remember some memories and some we simply forget. The problem with that is though if we remember more negative ones, it can start taking a toll on our relationship and it may start to deteriorate.

However, when couples celebrate their anniversaries and thus remember more positive tad bits from their past, their ability to foster a healthier and deeper and therefore longer lasting relationship is much much more likely. So, folks, ensure to continue celebrating your special days and if you haven’t yet, go ahead and start with new traditions.